The Spanish

This is mostly for my brother Jared who served his mission in Spain. I recently read a book titled "Xenophobe's guide to the Spanish" which I found to be quite entertaining. Much of it applies to the Dominican Republic way of life, where I served my mission. I thought I would share just a few of the quotes.

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The Spanish will only be aware of other nationalities if they have visited their country and had a great time.

Conversely, they will think little of them if they were bored there. As the majority of Spanish have failed to find any night life in Britain and cannot bring themselves to like the taste of flat, tepid, bitter beer, they tend to ignore the English, regarding them as rather flat and tepid.

Brazilians they rate highly, however, as they never go to bed, and drink and dance the nights away.

The Spanish do not particularly differentiate between Austrians, Belgians, Chinese, Dutch, French, Germans, Italians, or Japanese. All are extranjeros, which is not a stigma, though they are often referred to by the risible name of 'guiri' from the word guirigay meaning gibberish, the language most foreigners seem to speak.

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If the Spanish show off at all it is through noise, preferably at night to make sure that everyone is aware that they are alive.

Stillness can be unsettling, which is why Spanish is not spoken but shouted, except between the hours of three and five in the afternoon when no one talks because they are all asleep.

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The inability to be punctual is the reason why the paella is the Spanish national dish. Rice and ancient recipes dating back to the occupation of the Moors have nothing to do with it. The paella is a godsend to Spain for the ingredients can be prepared well in advance and be put aside till the guests arrive, then cooked for the essential twenty minutes while gazpacho is consumed - keeping everyone happy.

The mixture of fried chicken, boiled fish, damp squid, uncooked prawns, tomatoes, peas, red peppers, green peppers, old boot laces, saffron and rice, guarantees that no one can possibly know what it is supposed to taste like, so if it is undercooked or overcooked, no one will complain.

To Bid or Not to Bid

If you thought that this was going to be about an auction, you would be right, but probably not as right as you thought. I'm not talking about any common type of auction but rather of the card game of Bridge. Bridge? You mean that old people game? Yes, that's the one. But why should you associate it with being an old people game? Probably because you've only ever heard about it in context with old people playing it. That's not because it's a game for old people, but because old people generally have more time on their hands to spend learning to play and play well. Its rich complexity provides those who play it with a never ending opportunity to continue improving and refining their play ability.

Bridge is consistently the most popular card game of the English speaking world and is almost as popular in other countries. Bridge -- developed from the game Whist -- is a trick taking game played by two partnerships with each partnership competing through an auction process to declare a trump suit. Originally developed around 1896, the latest version Contract Bridge was developed around 1926 and has remained since 1930 the most popular form. It has ridden serenely through such fads as Gin Rummy and Canasta and in the end has always survived as the most popular game. Bridge is the only card game in the world with an internationally recognized and governed set of laws, rules, and regulations.

Many of you may be familiar with the game Rook which has many similarities in it to Bridge, but of course is IMHO inferior in the end. Last year I, along with a few others, decided to learn to play this game of Bridge that we generally knew nothing about at the time. It has been a lot of fun to learn as we go, continually increasing our skill as we are able to apply new principles and methods to our bidding and play. This has become the game of choice here. There is still the odd game of Hearts or Spades but for the most part, Bridge is the card game of choice for us. Going back to Hearts or Spades after playing Bridge is like going back to a tricycle after learning to ride a two wheeler. It might be fun every once in a while for nostalgic reasons, but it is no longer as much fun as it used to be after experiencing the higher level of play that Bridge provides.

Mithing Tooth

Okay, so I'm not really missing a tooth, at least not entirely. During the application of routine flossing between my last two back teeth on the bottom of the right side of my mouth -- as if my teeth would be found anywhere else -- a piece of the back-most tooth broke off. I'm pretty sure I wasn't being overly aggressive but maybe I just don't know my own strength or maybe I was mistakenly using a piece of special diamond encrusted floss. So now not only do I have a sharp flesh cutting edge on my back tooth -- which my tongue discovered rather rapidly, much to its dismay -- but I've also got a nice cubby hole where food likes to burrow down into the gums between the two teeth and set up camp every time I eat. This causes all sorts of unwelcome pain as well as some murmuring to anyone who will listen. Luckily the tooth itself does not hurt at all. The only pain is with the tortured gums. I have discovered a workable method of chewing in which my back teeth come within close proximity of each other but never actually touch. This seems to adequately break down the food for swallowing without forcing any additions into my own portable food storage supply pocket. There is no pain as long as I am sure to vacate the hole after every time I eat. I never thought I'd miss being able to chew my food, but at least I can still taste it so I guess I'll just count my blessings. I suppose that in the end I will probably just need to get the dang tooth pulled, but I'll try to ignore the problem for as long as I can before resorting to such uncomfortable measures to contemplate. There's no use doing something today that can be put off until tomorrow. I think that's how the saying goes

The Prophesied Return

I was having so much fun on my summer vacation back to Utah that I elected to extend my stay through the new year. But the time has come my little friends to return to Safford Arizona. So I booked a flight for January 12, but I guess I forgot to let myself know. Luckily the chaperones I hired had my itinerary and were sure to have the staff at the DCJ get me up and ready.

We got to the airport without incident for our 10 am flight. Everything was going according to plan until suddenly it wasn't. We had boarded our flight on time and gotten settled. After sitting at the gate for what seemed like a longer than usual length of time the captain informed us that they had to "reboot the computer" and therefore shut the plane completely down and it might be just a bit dark for a moment. He said it would take about three minutes. My confidence level in the integrity of the plane was lowered several notches. Large notches. After about 15 minutes the captain informed us that "it did not work" and that we would now have to deplane while the guys with the wrenches crawled through the insides randomly banging on different things.

So we all got off the plane. We were informed that the airline was getting a new plane ready for us. While we were still waiting for the new plane to be ready I guess they felt like they fixed the original sufficiently -- I'm sure duct tape was involved -- and had us re-board the original. There was a lot of grumbling and voting of no confidence taking place amongst the passengers. We finally were able to get underway about an hour late. Upon take off there was some major turbulence causing more than a few wild wing waggles nearing 45 degree angles above and below the horizon line while the pilot fought to keep the plane level. Turbulence? Maybe. Plane failing? Seems more likely. We'll have to let them get away claiming turbulence though since once we reached altitude it was smooth sailing the rest of the way.

We arrived in Tucson, picked up a rental car, stopped at Burger King for lunch -- If the telestial kingdom is anything like that Burger King, I would surely die to get there -- and we were on our way to Safford. Some couple of uneventful hours of driving later, we arrived. I had not had leg shackles on for the trip but the officer admitting me wouldn't allow me in without leg shackles on. So after some fuss getting my legs shackled, I was led for a short walk through two doors where the leg shackles were then removed. ??? So I had to be chained up more securely in order to be admitted through the door? Makes no sense.

I was given some bedding and basic hygiene supplies for the first night but had to wait until the following day to retrieve my stored property. I was assigned back to my original unit just one bunk over from where I was previously. I am still considered a new arrival and therefore not eligible for a job yet but Capps (Electrical Crew Boss) has already said I could come back to work on the crew. So I just have to wait until I'm officially allowed to.

It's nice to be back. There have been some minor changes but most everything is the same. I'm still figuring out what my daily routine will be but I suspect it will be quite similar to before. And so, until next time, I bid thee adieu.

The Big One

That’s right. As of today you all only have one more year to put your lives in order and get ready for the end of the world predicted for next year on this day. Of course this is just conjecture based on the Mayan calendar. Only time will tell if anything will come of this or if it’s just one more in the ever increasing list of false alarms. I think I’ll be ready just in case.

Human Remote

It didn’t take us long to figure out how to change the TV channel ourselves. First we tried using a broom handle, but apparently the buttons are of a new-fangled variety that are skin touch activated and so that didn’t work. Then we learned to boost somebody up so they could reach the buttons with their fingers. We have to do this quickly and clandestinely as possible for if we’re caught – which we have been – then we lose the TV for a whole day.