The Spanish

This is mostly for my brother Jared who served his mission in Spain. I recently read a book titled "Xenophobe's guide to the Spanish" which I found to be quite entertaining. Much of it applies to the Dominican Republic way of life, where I served my mission. I thought I would share just a few of the quotes.

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The Spanish will only be aware of other nationalities if they have visited their country and had a great time.

Conversely, they will think little of them if they were bored there. As the majority of Spanish have failed to find any night life in Britain and cannot bring themselves to like the taste of flat, tepid, bitter beer, they tend to ignore the English, regarding them as rather flat and tepid.

Brazilians they rate highly, however, as they never go to bed, and drink and dance the nights away.

The Spanish do not particularly differentiate between Austrians, Belgians, Chinese, Dutch, French, Germans, Italians, or Japanese. All are extranjeros, which is not a stigma, though they are often referred to by the risible name of 'guiri' from the word guirigay meaning gibberish, the language most foreigners seem to speak.

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If the Spanish show off at all it is through noise, preferably at night to make sure that everyone is aware that they are alive.

Stillness can be unsettling, which is why Spanish is not spoken but shouted, except between the hours of three and five in the afternoon when no one talks because they are all asleep.

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The inability to be punctual is the reason why the paella is the Spanish national dish. Rice and ancient recipes dating back to the occupation of the Moors have nothing to do with it. The paella is a godsend to Spain for the ingredients can be prepared well in advance and be put aside till the guests arrive, then cooked for the essential twenty minutes while gazpacho is consumed - keeping everyone happy.

The mixture of fried chicken, boiled fish, damp squid, uncooked prawns, tomatoes, peas, red peppers, green peppers, old boot laces, saffron and rice, guarantees that no one can possibly know what it is supposed to taste like, so if it is undercooked or overcooked, no one will complain.